I want this blog to track my theatrical and musical pursuits, so I hope to write about the processes of whatever projects I'm working on. If you're here for the kid stuff, bear with me.
I'm working now on a local production of Falsettos. Rehearsals have just started for this show. The cast is really talented, with the amazing voices required for Falsettos. It's a dense score, very tricky vocally, and although I don't have an extremely large role, it will be a good vocal challenge for me.
We started tackling the score this week, and as always at the start of the rehearsal process I get that oh, shit feeling. That feeling that makes me think that I am a crappy performer, a mediocre singer and why am I even bothering to try to do this and really I should just go back and get my Master's and get a real job and focus on something practical for once. You know, that feeling. It has taken me some time and experience to take that feeling and move forward with it - to not just let that stop me in my tracks. I have to tell myself that I just don't know the material yet - and I have to trust that the rehearsal process will give me time to develop my character and find my voice for these particular songs.
It's not easy, though. Self doubt is a powerful deterrent for me, especially as a performer. It takes a tremendous amount of willpower and patience to move forward when I'm in that place. For me, the structure of a rehearsal process, where I'm not driving the schedule on my own (as opposed to my work in the visual arts), is incredibly helpful for getting beyond that self doubt. It can be paralyzing when I'm the one making the schedule.
But I'm at the point where it's getting easier with my theatrical work to move forward, and trust that I'll be good. I just have to acknowledge my limitations, work hard to move beyond them and allow myself to grow from the process. The quality of the final product is definitely important to me, but the underlying process ultimately means more. If I take on the new work with discipline and dedication, it can't help but make me grow as a performer.