B Mama

Fretful

I am notoriously bad at anticipation.  Venturing into the unknown or awaiting a big change produce nearly overwhelming anxiety in me.  Maybe everyone is like this, I don't know.  Usually, once the change has occurred or things become clearer my anxiety lifts and I'm pretty good at dealing with whatever is happening.  But until it actually happens, I'm a wreck.  So it is right now. 

I can't really understate how shattering it is to have my husband (my dear, sweet 39 year old husband) going through all this - or being about to go through it.  I would so much rather it be happening to me.  (You know, it's like how I hate watching sad or depressing movies with other people, especially L, because I don't like to think of how they might be feeling.   On my own, I'm totally fine to watch and cry and only worry about my own emotions.)  I am finding it almost unbearable to know that he's in pain and that he has to go through more treatment.  I just don't want him to have to be dealing with any of this. 

And like a little child, I am feeling scared that the person on whom I most rely, the person with whom my life is most entwined, and the person I love more intricately than anyone else in the world, is suddenly so vulnerable, so mortal.  Of course he is allowed to be vulnerable, and I'll do my best to help him through all of this, but I would be lying if I didn't say that this whole thing hasn't produced a kind of primal panic in me.  Because anyone who knows me knows that L has been like a rock for me - a profoundly stabilizing force in my life.

Maybe I am sounding overly dramatic.  It is 1 am and I am tired and I should just probably go to bed. 

It figures

Why is it that when I'm finally ready to send out our adoption announcements, the only stamps available are American Journalists, Frank Sinatra, the Liberty Bell and the Purple Heart? 

Old Blue Eyes presents the newest member of the family . . . if she can make it here, she'll make it anywhere!

Not good news

Unfortunately, the tumor removed in L's surgery turned out to be "high grade," a stage 3 tumor.  So he's going to need radiation and chemo after all.  I'm just so worried that I won't be able to be strong enough to hold it together through all this and the baby's surgery and all the other things we're dealing with.  I'm worried that I won't be a good enough wife or mother in the midst of all this chaos.  I'm already having trouble holding it together. 

This should not be happening to my husband. 

A new blog

I have a new password protected blog for pictures of my kiddos.  If you remember the password for this blog, it's the same one (capitalize both words).  If you need a reminder, email me. 

Here it is.

Enjoy the cuteness!

How are we?

That's a very good question, and one I don't have a ready answer for.  As I posted before, everything went as well as could be expected with L's surgery.  He's not in a lot of pain, and he's able to get around to some extent and is actually pretty chipper and is working from home and even made dinner last night (!).  We go for the follow-up appointment on Thursday when we'll hopefully get the final biopsy results and be able to know for absolutely sure that all is clear.  But things are looking good.  Thankfully thankfully thankfully. 

I have been keeping in mind that I really can't complain too much, given all of the horrible things going on in the world right now.  There are far far too many reminders of true tragedy all around, of situations far graver than ours - both in the incredibly heartbreaking news from China and Myanmar, and in our circle of friends and acquaintances.  This seems to be a very strange and terribly difficult year for so many people we know.  As I said, I can't complain too much.

And yet, and yet.  I'm not sure it's doing me any good to not complain. I know we can handle this and that we are fine, truly we are, but I suppose I really have to acknowledge that things are tough right now.  I have to admit to being pretty depressed and very, very overwhelmed.  I'm okay, but the weight of all the things we're dealing with has really hit me.  When L came home from the hospital I spent two days basically trying not to break down, which made me snap at everybody, the kids and L included, and feel like a terrible person, until I finally let myself feel what I was feeling - scared, angry, exhausted and sad.  Just letting myself feel all of that actually really helped. 

The other thing that has helped is the little (and not so little) kindnesses bestowed upon us by family and friends.  Financial help, care packages, flowers, play dates, emails and calls of support and checking in.  It's nice to know that we have so many people who care about us and are there to see us through. 

And we really are fine.  We have so much, so so much to be thankful for.  L is on the mend and going to be okay, we are together and happy, our girls are amazing and hilarious and here with us, our dryer is fixed, we have a gorgeous rental house waiting for us to move in upstate and a garden to tend to, and it's a beautiful sunny day here in Brooklyn.  We're good. 

Exhale

L is doing fine.  He had his surgery this morning and his surgeon said all went well.  They got the whole tumor and it's likely that the surgery will be the only treatment he needs, thankfully.  When I saw him there in the recovery room, I tell you, there was no dearer sight to me.  I love him so.  Seeing my girls after a long day away was also pretty sweet. 

Thanks to everyone for all the good wishes and thoughts.  They've been really helpful and so much appreciated.

Whew.

Deep breaths

I really do want to write a theater review of an entirely different kind than my last - I was lucky enough to see Patti Lupone in Gypsy on Thursday, and it was truly amazing.  Wow.  I was blown away by the production and by her performance.  It's certainly more worthy of a proper review than My Little Pony Live, but I am a little too distracted by life to comment on theater at the moment. 

Tomorrow is L's surgery, and we are leaving bright and early in the morning to get up to the hospital.  My mom and her partner are staying with us to look after the girls (I am feeling guilty for leaving the baby all day) so I can be with L.  It's all a little unreal, actually, and very very anxiety-producing.  I'm so anxious that it's making me grumpy and punchy.  Just like Ping.  She's a handful these days - a stressed-out, controlling five year old.  Poor kid.   She's worried and anxious and it's all coming out.  She's obsessed with hospitals and surgery and crutches and asking all kinds of questions, but still seems far from reassured.  She had two tantrums today, and has been talking back to me in a most annoying way.  I understand where it's coming from, but I just can't allow some of this behavior.  So I get stern with her and that makes her break down in tears and it feels like we are spending a lot of time being grumpy with each other and feeling like "Nothing's right," as Ping says.

I just wish L and our whole family didn't have to be going through this.  Not ever, but especially not now.  I don't want to sound too whiny.  This situation could be much much harder.  I know that.  Things will be fine - the doctors have all reassured us that everything will be fine.  But honestly, the necessary process to fine is a bit scary and completely overwhelming at the moment. 

Anyway, send those good thoughts our way tomorrow.  We'll be glad to have them.

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By the way, for those interested in the ongoing Sylvia saga - she ended up back in the hospital last night after breaking her leg in another fall.  She's also having surgery tomorrow, and I highly doubt if she'll end up back at home again.  Such a sad sad sad situation. 

The Horror. The Horror.

It could only have been guilt that compelled me to do it. 

Yes, it's been a difficult time for my five-year-old girl, what with a new sister (who demands to be held by me at all times), plans to move and go to a new school, and the news of both her sister's and father's upcoming surgeries worrying her to no end.  So when we decided to have some Mother-Daughter time and see a show on Sunday, and I just happened to discover that My Little Pony Live was at Madison Square Garden and happened to mention it to Ping and of course she wanted to go, it had to have been the maternal guilt that compelled me to say Yes!  Yes, we can go!  Ponies, ponies, here we come!  I'll blame the guilt and learn from my mistakes, because it was truly the most agonizing theatrical experience I have ever had the misfortune of sitting through.   

Walking into Madison Square Garden, we had this conversation:

Ping:  What do you think it will be like?
B-mama:  I think there will be songs.  And people in pony costumes.
Ping:  Well, of course.

But what songs!  What pony costumes!  What grotesqueries of "girlhood!"  But I'm getting ahead of myself.

As Ping and I made our way through the lobby, pausing to gaze at the oodles of My Little Pony paraphernalia available for sale (I offered to buy her something but Ping said "I can't decide, so I think I just won't get anything.") I paused at the Cocktails, seriously considering one.  I should have done it. 

Oh, god, the show.  The only things we were missing were boas and disco balls - oh, wait, they weren't missing, they were crucial parts of big My Little Pony Live finale (I kid you not).  It has long been my belief that the My Little Ponies are actually pony drag queens, enacting an ultra heightened performance of femininity (come to think of it, four and five year old girls are also a bit like drag queens), and now my suspicions have been confirmed.  Yes, there were boas, and disco balls, and a whole song dedicated to the color pink.   And, of course, there were people dressed up as ponies.  The costumes were each occupied by one person - the person's legs were the ponies front legs, and the back legs were empty, just sort of dragging lifelessly along behind - or worse, hovering disconcertingly a few inches off of the ground the whole time.  The whole thing was beyond creepy.  And I kept getting distracted by the fact that the pony's chest was actually a person's crotch (and all the ponies were played by men), and sometimes you could almost see a bulge when the costume gaped a little.  I would much rather have been watching actual human drag queens.  Obviously.

And then there was the prerecorded dialogue and music and those bizarro pony voices that blared from the speakers.   The  basic premise of the show was that the ponies all wanted to throw a big tea party and "Nothing is impossible when everyone helps out!"  So, you know the life lesson is that when little girl grows up, she too can plan the perfect wedding with lots of hired help.  And bring on the sweets from the sweet shop so we can ensure our kids grow up with the same food issues we have! 

The whole thing put me in a really grumpy mood.  And the woman sitting in front of me texting on her Blackberry (or whatever the hell you do with a Blackberry) while her kid waved her My Little Pony Live flag in front of Ping's face didn't help matters.

B-mama:  Um, excuse me, do you think she could put that down?  It's blocking my little girl's view.
Blackberry:  Oh, she's only three, I don't think she'll do that.

And she didn't - not that she was asked to or anything.  Typical laissez-faire NYC parenting. 

Well, all I can say is that even Ping seemed to be disappointed with it.  She found it "Good, but boring" (it was!  Maybe its worst crime was being so so completely boring!) and ranked it last on a list of all the theater she's seen in recent memory.  As for me, I wish I could take something to erase it from my memory, darlings.  (Oh, god, I'm channeling Rainbow Dash, who speaks with a faux British accent.  Help!)  Those goddamn ponies are haunting my dreams. 

We're coming to get you, Bmama!  Watch out!  And think pink!  Tee-hee-hee!

My Girls

Changes of plan

So.  We are okay . . . and yet not really okay.  Thank you for all the comments and emails of support, they are tremendously helpful.  Forgive me for not responding personally just now.  I'm a little overwhelmed.  To tell the truth, we are still reeling, and still trying to figure everything out.  My usual everyday conversations and preoccupations are feeling very distant.  We've shifted into a different mode of living for the time being - of just getting through this time and all its emotional and logistical challenges.  But get through it we will.

I was supposed to finish up with my paid maternity leave and start back at school a week from today.  L was going to stay home with the baby while I taught, but we've obviously had to revise that plan since he'll be on post-surgical bed rest for up to three weeks.  I spoke to my boss today and she was very understanding.  I won't be returning to school - there's just no way I can manage it.  Subsequently, I won't get paid for the last two months of the school year, but I will get paid over the summer.  If I did go back I would have had to pay a babysitter, which would have taken up my paycheck anyway.  I'm very relieved to not have the stresses of work to deal with right now - that will give us a lot more flexibility. 

L's surgery is scheduled for May 6.  I'm so grateful that the doctor is positive and reassuring, and that L most likely won't have to undergo any further treatment beyond the surgery.  What can I say?  I don't really want to put my emotions about all of this out there right now - I don't really want to, can't, go there.   Everything will be fine and we'll do what it takes to make sure that's so.

In other surgical news, we went today to meet with the cleft team at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia (CHOP - love that acronym).  Fortunately, we liked them better than the pompous doctor here in New York (Dr. Cutting. What is it with these names?).  Dr. Cutting took one look at our dear beautiful Wen Wen, wrinkled his nose, and said, "Oh, too bad."  Apparently he would have done a much better job with her lip surgery.  And it was downhill from there. Basically the whole visit was a big advertisement for himself, except for a very misguided digression about adoption that I had to stop to, um, redirect him back to the medical issues at hand.  Ultimately, we could have overlooked his personality since he is widely reported to be an excellent surgeon (even he said so!), but he doesn't take insurance and our insurance apparently balks at paying him.  A $14000 bill is not something we can handle right now.  (Oh, my god, the understatement of the decade.)  So it was off to Philly.  And so far so good, plus they definitely take our insurance. 

But they offered us the choice of surgery dates - June 9 or wait until October 29.  They typically like to do the palate surgery as close to the child's 1st birthday as possible, so they strongly strongly strongly pushed us to do it in June.  In fact, they kind of created this date in June so they could accommodate us as soon as possible.  So, yeah, we'll be having two surgeries in the family within four weeks.   

And did I mention that we are supposed to move upstate on June 14?  Crazy crazy crazy. 

The hardest part about all of this, I think, is Ping.  She is hypersensitive about medical issues and has always been.  She's simultaneously obsessed and terrified of hospitals, medical procedures and paraphernalia and doctors.  Just Wen Wen's surgery is sort of flipping her out, and I think she's going to have a very very very difficult time with L having to have surgery and a bed rest too.  We haven't told her yet.  When we do, it will be a very simplified and undramatic presentation.  We'll do our best to keep things as calm and reassuring as possible, but I still think she's going to freak.   This is, of course, on top of the garden-variety freaking out that she's already doing about the new baby and the move.  Sigh.  Poor Ping.  We were thinking we should get her this!  (She has actually been obsessing over it for months in her Playmobil catalog!  Although, at that price, I think the catalog will suffice.) I will also be talking to the school psychologist to see what we can do to support her through all of these changes all at once. 

Anyway, onward we go into a very intense couple of months.  I'm just so glad we have so much support from our families and friends.  We'll need it.